The Twin Page – to Stein in loving memory


Bilde.

Twins have always fascinated me.
As I now have gained more knowledge about twins, I also understand why it has been important for me to learn more about my own past – and about twins in general.

In my search for information on twins and the concept of loosing a twin, I didn’t find any stories in Norway that could match ours.
Consequently, I decided to write our history, and publish it on this page.

If the story can be useful to someone, I'll be glad.
If not, please understand that my research has helped me to understand more about myself, about Stein and about the situation of loosing a twin I only knew before I even was born!

Our medical journal: About the delivery:



We were born on the 2nd of March 1974, about 4 AM, approximately 12 weeks premature.

Twin 1: Boy, weight approx. 800 grams, breathing, screaming.

Twin 2: Girl, breech presentation, weight 980 grams, breathing, screaming.

And then:

Both babies had severe respiratory problems and were very weak.

Respiratory problems were met with incubator and oxygen treatment.

Girl suffered from hepatitis.

Due to the risk of loosing both babies, they are baptized during their first day of living.
As a matter of fact, this is a normal procedure in these situations.

The boy was named Stein.
The girl was named Tone.

On the 3rd or the 4th of March, Stein died.
The journal has no exact information about his day of death.

One week later, twin 2, Tone, still had severe respiratory problems which are met with incubator and oxygen treatment.

The journal tells that the oxygen treatment probably will destroy the baby's visual ability and lead to blindness. Which also turned out to right.

Mid May 1974, Tone was discharged from Lillehammer Hospital.

The baby was still very small and dependent on additional meals.

Information about premature children:





In 1974, medical research didn't know of, or didn't acknowledge, the fact that a premature baby develops somewhat differently from a baby born on time.

As a matter of fact, one has to subtract the weeks or months of prematurity from the child’s age.
For instance: A baby born on time will normally start walking when it’s 12 to 15 months of age, while a 3 month premature baby will normally start his or hers carreer as a pedestrian when it’s 15 to 18 months of age.
This overdueness is normal – and can last until the child is about 6 or 7 years of age.

Earlier, babies born as much premature as we were, had an additional lung problem.
Babies born on time or less premature than us are able to produce a secretion necessary to keep their lungs working. To prevent some of the respiratory problems and to avoid a total lung collaps, premature babies are now injected with this secretion.

As far as I know, insomnia is a common situation among premature babies.
Experiences made both by me and by others tells us that the insomnia problem might be a permanent one, even in adulthood.
Unfortunately, I haven’t found any medical research on this. If anyone has got some information or a link for me, I’d be thankful.

I got to know about Stein.



When I was around six years old, my mother told me that I’d had a twin brother who died almost right after he was born.

I guess that I considered this information as something nice to know, but on the other hand, in periods I’ve given this a lot of thought and I’ve asked where he was buried.

The fact is that I’ve always had this feeling that something was missing.
Something I cannot really tell what is.
Some kind of loneliness or emptyness.

When life has been rough to me, I’ve thougt a lot of how it’d be to be one of a pair of twins, how he’d been, what he’d have done, and whether he’d be like me or not.

Meeting twins has always fascinated me.
In some strange way I have always envied them their twin. Not the person, but the kind of bonding between them and the twin-things that I missed. It seemed to me that they had something that I wanted for myself!

And then? What to do then?

In my mind, the questions were constantly repeating themselves:

Where was Stein buried?
Why did Stein die?
Is the feeling of loss normal, even if one hasn’t known the other twin?

And then: What to do to find the satisfying answers?

Well, as a matter of fact, there is a choice.
If you choose “I don’t know” as a suficcient answer and leave the questions alone and forgotten.
This is the easy way; asking questions always means a lot of work to get the right answers.
And sometimes, the truth is dissapointingly dislikeable!

Or you may start looking for answers, which means a lot of hard work

Steins grave.



The first thing I did was to ask the local church for information.

According to the church registers, we were both christened in the hospital at our birthday the 2nd of March.

As the parental place of living was Vingrom while our place of birth was Lillehammer, this information was registered in both places.

Stein died the 3rd of Mach. According to the church register for Lillehammer church, he was buried at Lillehammer churchyard at the 13th of March.

The common procedure for stillborn babies and babies dead shortly after their birth was to bury them in an unregistered grave.
Normally, they were buried in a grave that was sceduled for someone else’s burial, and with an additional registry note i.e. “In the same grave also buried the (stillborn) son of [name] (christened [name]).

Neither Vingrom nor Lillehammer had any church registry notes about Steins burial. And the “strange” thing was that no grave at Lillehammer church had been opened in connection with the 13th of March.

Then, I contacted the hospital. Unfortunately, neither the hospital nor the funeral agency had anything specific about Steins grave.

It is strange to think about that 30 years ago, the common understanding was that parents to a stillborn baby or a baby dead shortly after it’s birth were better off not knowing were the baby was buried.
Fortunately, the attitude has changed.

Searching for a grave that’s long gone requires both time and a lot of mental energy.

A friend of mine has been involved in the process, and I appreciate her assistance, which has been invaluable to me.
I’m impressed that someone’s had the care and the courage to walk a part of this road with me, which also included hours at the library, trying to find a funeral announcement matching with Steins date of burial!

In Vingrom churchyard, a person was buried at the 14th of March 1974.
Even if there’s nothing in the church registry concerning this grave, I still have a feeling that he is buried in this curchyard.
In a hurry, they have probably made him a separate grave.

And then...... the events that most readers will struggle to accept...... I guess I’ll have a hard time defending what I did – and how I’ve concluded.

The church registry research has taken a lot of time and gotten nowhere.
I’m frustrated and in some strange way I get in touch with a medium, who shows me exactly where Stein is buried.

He is buried at Vingrom churchyard, in a tiny spot off the beaten track.
As we stand by this spot, we notice that it’s been dug up, but it must be a long time ago.
And the strange, unexplainable thing is that I feel that this is the right place.

As the sexton who worked there in 1974 now is dead, it’s impossible to get the confirmation necessary.

Besides, my thoughts and feelings hasn’t been enfeebled, so I choose to believe that this tiny spot is the place where Stein was buried.

As a matter of fact, this spot is a kind of no mans land inside the churchyard: No headstone, no attention, no plans for it - and not a place that will be used or wished for.

And, without regard to whether my findings are “right” or “wrong”, I have a place that I can go to, a place to consider as Steins grave.
The most important thing for me was to find a place to remember my twin.
I have somewhere to go.

Godmothers

The church registry also had the information about who our godmothers were, information which I appreciated a lot.

The church

The vergers were very accomodating to me, kindly answering my questions and giving me the information required, after having done a lot of research for me!

Why did Stein die?



Consulting an eye specialist, she also reads parts of my medical journal loud to me.

I’m surprised and fascinated by the fact that my twin, Stein, is mentioned.
By reading my journal – about my first weeks and about Stein - the doctor actually confirms the fact that he has existed, the fact that he was my twin!

It’s hard to explain how this pain strangely enough feels good.

But it’s still not clear to me why only one of us made it.
Supposedly it was a question of coincidences, maybe of my extra grams of birth weight as well.
Maybe he had a bit of bad luck in one of our breathing stops – which we both had plenty of.
Maybe it just happened.
Who knows?

Is the feeling of loss normal, even if one hasn’t known the other twin?



My conclusion is: Yes.

I’ve read a lot about this, and I’ve found twins outside Norway who’d had similar experiences to mine.
The fact that my feelings of having lost something, of loss and a strange form of irregularity are normal, even expected, have relieved me a lot.



Dear Stein



Hopefully I’ve found your grave. However, I have a place where I can go, to think of you.
Somewhere I can go on the days that I struggle with the unfairness I feel.

Searching for the past has taught me a lot about myself and given me a lot more knowledge about who I am and what I am.

I've made this website in the loving memory of a brother that was taken away from me.

I never got to know him.
The fact that you never was allowed to grow up, develop yourself and show your true colours will always stand to me as hurting, meaningless and unfair matter of fact.

I have to live my life the best that I can, trying to carry out the tasks that are put upon me in this life.

We’ll meet again!

From Tone your Twin.

"Bright angels around
my darling shall stand;
They will guard thee from harms,
thou shalt wake in my arms,
They will guard thee from harms,
thou shalt wake in my arms."
J. Brahms